Pumpkins Are Orange
by Theg Uy O'fgo N'dor
Summary: Pippin likes teeth. Elrond likes lembas. Epicness ensues.
1. Pumpkins Are Orange

One day, in Rivendell, Elrond was aroused.  
  
"Cripes," the half-elf thought to himself, "I am aroused." He looked down at  
himself, and realised that he had been thinking right. "I shall have to do  
something about this!" he grinned to himself. Elrond snuck off to the  
kitchen, to find the something to do.  
  
--  
  
Meanwhile, not far away, Pippin was sitting around in his room (also in  
Rivendell). "AHM BOORED," he thought to himself, as even his thoughts were  
accented. "Ahl hafte git meh somthing tae dou, bet aye daaneu ken whet."  
  
The young halfling sighed. Merry was off somewhere looking at maps or  
something (FORESHADOWING), and Sam and Frodo were "off for a walk." Pippin  
lay back in bed as he tried to think of an activity he could partake in that  
would alleviate his boredom.  
  
His thoughts wandered to the elves of Rivendell, um, because they were the  
individuals currently residing at Rivendell, for the most part. (I suppose  
Elrond considered himself an elf, but there were all those humans and  
dwarves and hobbits and whatnot that came for the council thingy and stuff,  
and Aragorn hung around from time to time. Um. Anyway, I digress.) His  
thoughts continued to wander, and they wandered right to the teeth of the  
elves (FORESHADOWING).  
  
Now, one thing that should be mentioned about the teeth of the elves is that  
they were not yellow. Ohh, no. They were shiny, and clean. These were not  
teeth from the nightmares of dental hygienists (or wet dreams, depending on  
whether or not the aforementioned individuals were disturbed by rotting and  
foul teeth or were capitalists glad in seeing them because it would mean  
they could make a lot of money by cleaning them), ohhhh, no, no, no. These  
teeth shone like pearls, except they weren't a grain of sand that an  
irritated marine life form had covered in layers of nacre, and were not  
round and somewhat irregular and were instead tooth shaped and even. Yes,  
sirre, bob. These were fucking A-1 class teeth.  
  
"Tehy reeahlehy heve nhaice teueth," thought the young hobbit.  
  
These thoughts of elvish teeth began to, shall we say, turn the halfling's  
crank. With his crank becoming more and more turned with every dental  
related mental image floating around in his head, Pippin realised he had  
something he could occupy himself with.  
  
His hands had nearly crept into his pants when the door of the room was  
flung open. "Hullo, Pip," said Merry, as he bounded in.  
  
"Ach, yae scarrad meh ther, yae daeid." Merry blinked for a few moments as he  
tried to decipher what his cousin had said. "Yae cudduv knokked, yae kennve,  
och!"  
  
"Oh, uh, sure, I will," replied Merry, fairly sure of what the hobbit now  
glaring at him had muttered. Sighing, Pippin got up from the bed and headed  
for the door. "Ahm gewing fer ah wahlk."  
  
--  
  
Pippin wandered around Rivendell for a while, until he decided to get some  
food and eat. Because, you know, hobbits eat a lot and stuff.  
  
He found the kitchen without much trouble, but it was strangely empty.  
Unbeknownst to him, the elvish chefs were having an orgy with elvish farmers  
that afternoon. All the tabletops were unfortunately too high for Pippin to  
reach anything, so he decided to look for foodstuffs in the pantry that were  
maybe stored low to the ground or something.  
  
Carefully pushing the door to the pantry open, Pippin was surprised to hear  
noises coming from inside the food storage area. "Ahh, meybe summun'll beh  
yin thar soh aye ken git sum fudd er summit."  
  
Pippin peered inside the dark pantry, and to his surprise found the lord of  
Rivendell amorously engaged with some sort of food product. "Ehh, wehts hey  
doewing?" wondered the halfling. Elrond turned around at the sound, as  
Pippin had apparently spoken aloud without meaning to.  
  
"Erk!" squeaked Elrond, much like a mouse, except he wasn't actually a  
rodent or anything.  
  
"Eh, hellew," said Pippin. "Um, you saw nothing," muttered the half-elf as he  
tried to clean up the waybread. "Ahk," said Pippin, as he realised what was  
going on, "yew donnae hafta haide iht, ahm raendier thaneh doeun ahu tadnd  
ohv auhna dauudr in tae sumer mhaiself!"  
  
Elrond blinked.  
  
"Och, jest fock mei!" exclaimed the hobbit as he jumped into the bare elf  
lord's lap. This leaping threw Elrond off balance, and ass over teakettle  
they both tumbled backwards behind some shelves, or whatever it is elves use  
to organise foodstuffs, and onto a lumpy form.  
  
"What's this lumpy form beneath me?" muttered Elrond to himself, almost  
completely forgetting about the halfling madly humping his leg as his  
annoyance with lumpy forms took over (an automatic reaction many had  
suggested he talk to someone about).  
  
"Legolas!" exclaimed the elf lord, realising who it was, "why are you being a  
lumpy form?" When no reply was forthcoming from the blonde elf, Elrond poked  
the unmoving individual. "Oh dear," said Elrond, "I do believe he's dead."  
  
"Ach, shud tha stup ahr fahn?" asked Pippin. "I suppose not," concluded  
Elrond, and began molesting the hobbit.  
  
"OCH, EHLROHND," cried Pippin, madly thrusting like a machine that is used  
for thrusting. "OOHHHH, yeh haev beeutifal teehth, ACHHHHHH, EHLROND" cried  
Pippin. "I know," grinned Elrond, "they my are favourite feature. Of Me."  
"Och, meh tew," giggled Pippin.  
  
  
Then some lembas fell on them from the shelf above.  
  
"Occhhchh, wher cuvverd ihn bred er summat," panted Pippin between thrusts.  
"Ohhhhh, I knooooooow," moaned the elf lord. "Ach, yew haev beauutiful teth,"  
cried Pippin. "You already said," murmered Elrond seductivly, even though he  
didn't have to be seductive because they were already fucking and whatnot.  
  
"Achhh, theh maek meh hawt, liek wahn aye wes ferst gheeting fuzzeir ihn  
paerts!" And then, still covered in elvish waybread, Pippin began to thrust  
against Elrond's teeth.  
  
"Ow," said Legolas, suddenly becoming less dead underneath them. "That  
hurts." The blonde elf blinked and, after a few moments of realising what was  
going on, politely returned to being deceased.  
  
Elrond licked his lips, and Pippin came in a burst of massive proportions.  
"OCH AHH DAUUNE YUAN GETTE DOUH DOUUJ DOR KELL KEN OCH!" cried the hobbit.  
Becoming hard once again, almost instantly (because aside from being eating  
machines, hobbits are also LOVE MACHINES) Pippin said, "Och, ets ah shaem tae  
leht teh blondie elflad tae gew tae whaste..."  
  
"Are you suggesting we ravish Legolas's corpse?" asked the elf lord with a  
raised eyebrow. "Yaes," answered Pippin, with a firm nod. "Ok," answered  
Elrond, who would have added a thumbs up hand with a green sleeve had he been  
posting a comment in a certain online journal community that shall remain  
nameless.  
  
"Oh, do you have to?" whined Legolas, popping back to life, "I just got my  
hair clean from Gimli's... soup... that he... spilled on me... during lunch."  
"Be quiet, you!" hissed Elrond. "Fine," sighed Legolas, going back to  
decomposing once again.  
  
Then Britney Spears arrived.  
  
Then she left.  
  
"How odd," thought Elrond to himself. The elf and halfling began violating  
the corpse (had Elrond been Japanese, he would have called it an "utsukushii  
shikabane," except that Legolas wasn't actually at the point of being bones  
yet. Um. Anyway.) and more lembas fell on them, until they were almost  
entirely covered in it. Finally, they both reached their climaxes.  
  
"OHH," yelled Elrond. "ACCHHHHHH," screamed Pippin.  
  
They leaned back to relax in the waybread.  
  
"Och," smiled Pippin. "Indeed," agreed Elrond.  
  
"Ai," whined Legolas, coming to life once again. "Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!" The  
blonde fretted at the state of his hair. "Aiiiiiii..."  
  
Then Gimli walked in.  
  
"Och," said the dwarf with a frown, sounding not unlike Pippin except for his  
voice being more deep and actually completely different, "are you being a  
corpse again?"  
  
"Yes," muttered Legolas.  
  
"You promised," said the dwarf, and then realised there were a halfling and  
elf beside Legolas covered in bodily fluids and waybread.  
  
"I know," said Legolas, and seeing where the dwarf's eyes had landed, added,  
"Um, that was not my idea." "I believe you," said the dwarf. "AI!" cried  
Legolas, and lept into Gimli's arms.  
  
"Och," said Gimli, and died.  
  
"Ai," cried Legolas, realising he had crushed the smaller humanoid, "AII AIII  
AIIIIII!" Then he became a corpse again.  
  
"They'll do that for hours," sighed Elrond as he rolled his eyes and  
indicated the dead humanoids with a gesture only Bakshi would attept to  
rotoscope.  
  
"Aye, lits git claened oop," nodded Pippin, and was helped up by Elrond.  
They went off to do so, leaving a trail of lembas.  
  
Eventually Gimli began breathing again. "Och," he muttered, "silly elf."  
Sensing his companion's renewed non-deadness, Legolas popped back to life  
himself.  
  
"Ai," cried the elf with glee, and began ravishing the dwarf, heedless of the  
open pantry door.  
  
Then Britney Spears returned.  
  
She fell over.  
  
Then she left again.  
  
--  
  
But, secretly... SOMEONE HAD BEEN WATCHING ALL THAT WAS GOING ON!  
  
"Eheheh," laughed Gandalf to himself, as he snuck away. 


	2. Except When They Are Young And Green

On the evening of the 30th of February (which is not unusual because this is  
not going by the Gregorian calendar) a tall figure moved through the forest  
of Fangorn.  
  
"O Treebeard," cried Pippin as he clambered around on top of the Ent, "Your  
aged bark is ever so delightful beneath my tremendously furry feet as you  
carry me around!"  
  
"Hoom," replied Treebeard.  
  
Merry and Quickbeam had gone off earlier (even though for the hobbits to have  
met Quickbeam Treebeard would have to at this point be in the Entmoot, but  
this does not matter) to, as they put it, "Fuck noisily for some time."  
Knowing his older cousin, Pippin figured that could mean just about anything.  
  
"You know... that deep voice of yours is so... very..." Pippin struggled for  
words. "Deep," he finished.  
  
This amused Treebeard, and he pollinated right there and then, and Pippin  
rolled in it with much glory like the first snow in winter and new green buds  
in springtime (even though he was really thinking about Elrond the whole  
time) and the moon watched and was really happy because he got of on that  
sort of thing and moon jizz rained down and that's actually how Isengard was  
destroyed.  
  
--  
  
Elrond was talking to Haldir about dentistry when he suddenly broke down into  
tears.  
  
"O, how I miss Pippin," cried Elrond with much angst, "for we may never meet  
again, or at least not long enough to bonk properly."  
  
Then Haldir fucked him and shortly thereafter went off to Helm's Deep for  
some reason which still isn't very clear and died after an encounter with a  
rather unpleasant Uruk-Hai (which may or may not have been a Carabbit in a  
costume on stilts).  
  
--  
  
In the late evening of the sixth of Wedmath in the year of 1420 of the Shire  
Reckoning, Pippin walked alone through the Green Hills beneath a cloudless  
sky within which the light of the sun faded and stars were beginning to  
appear.  
  
"O how I pine for Elrond..." he said quietly as he sat down upon a tree  
recently felled the previous month during a brief lightning storm, not  
expecting to be heard.  
  
Then aforementioned elf individual, who was on a trip teaching other peoples  
the finer points of dentistry, passed by and heard the halfling's mournful  
lament.  
  
"Peregrin?" he murmured as he walked closer, and almost before he knew it was  
glomped with tremendous force.  
  
"O Elrond!" exclaimed Pippin, sobbing, "How I have missed making sweet love  
to your fine molars and proud bicuspids!"  
  
"And I have missed rolling around with you in elvish waybread," said the elf  
lord, gently brushing a curly lock of hair from Pippin's forehead.  
  
"Must it be that we may never lay together again?" whispered the hobbit.  
  
"Yes," replied Elrond sadly, but with a smile that spoke of year upon long  
year of pain and heartbreak and the understanding and wisdom that one gains  
from hardship and toil and loss, and his eyes were deep wells of wistfulness  
and apology and love, and a single tear began to form in one eye but never  
fell as he let out a deep breath he had not been aware he was holding that  
seemed to come from the very core of his being and carried with it everything  
he had hoped and wanted to say but could not find the way that was right for  
doing so.  
  
So they fucked anyway.  
  
--  
  
THE END 


End file.
